Reasonable Nausea

Sooooo now I have to think of a new name for this blog that I don't write in (except for now and like 20 years ago when I last posted). I am no longer an accidental housewife- I'm employed! How exciting. Even more exciting is that I'm Preggerrrrrrzzzzzzz!!! Therefore, if you hate babies or don't want to read my (self-proclaimed) humorous comments about pregnancy, you can get back to taking meaningless quizzes on buzzfeed. After all, how else would you get an accurate answer to the ever-perplexing question of "What disney princess does your dog's puke look most like?" I got Ariel.

I've already read 18 million pregnancy blog posts from Pinterest. The differences between my blog and theirs are:
                          1) my blog will have no practical information whatsoever
                          2) my blog won't be ANNOYING AS HELL

Now that I've talked myself up so much, I just have to come up with content for this thing...

Tweeter

Since I only have like 2 people following me on Twitter, I figure there are a lot of people missing out on some hilarious tweets. Don't fret, I've decided to make a blog post about my favorite twits. Now if I can only get people to read my blog....


It's a magical day, folk(s)- I have one follower! Now I just need 3 more to meet the legal definition of a "cult"

Stop driving and the snow wins. If the snow wins, the terrorists win

@weezyfosheezy I think lil kim won "twerkin' with da starz"

FINE MS WORD- I SPELLED IGNORANT WRONG. You don't have to underline it in red and make me feel like an a**hole.

This morning some birds were making cat calls at me...sooo degrading.

No seriously....this girl just sneezed and she made the sound "ACHOO." It's like she went out of her way to do it.

@weezyfosheezy: tweets 4 twats- a twitter-related fundraiser for vaginal diseases. Make this into a sketch

Not sure what 'reverse osmosis water' is, but it tastes oddly like forward osmosis water...

unemployment = forcing my dog to snuggle with a teddy bear...I would show you a pic if I had enough $$ to afford a smart phone

I guess I'm accidentally starting dreadlocks....#useahairbrushkids

I wish i knew you liked pina coladas....because then i would have never tried to cheat on you

A girl told me about her creative halloween costume from last year. It started with "sexy" and it ended with me punching her in the face

I'm just going to start using my own abbreviation, and everyone's going to have to look it up and feel stupid #FJR!

nope, facebook's still boring...i'll check back in 5 minutes

saw a guy with a red track suit. let it go bc i figured he was eastern european, but then he spoke. he was a bro

Nothing like "The Wall" to make me break out my best British child accent

if i had a rap name, it would be 'plant killa'


 Phew! I wrote another blog post and I didn't even have to think of any new material. SCORE!

Unemployment Blues

 Since I am unemployed, and have been for about 7 months now, I thought I'd make a post about jobless friend etiquette. I know how difficult it can be as a "jobbed" person to empathize with a jobless person, so I'll give you all a healthy reminder: Get your prostate checked. Ok, no, a reminder about jobless friend etiquette.

First of all, you should address us properly. I'm not "an unemployed person," I'm "a person with unemployment." Unemployment is NOT a disease, although, I know you all think it is. Also, you need to ask us what we want to be referred to as. Every jobless person is unique. It may be "jobless," might be "unemployed," it could be "disemployed" or  an "unemployee." I, myself, prefer "unemployment technician"- it implies that I am still working hard at not working. Hey, unemployment can be a full time job in itself...well, maybe part-time, so F@#$ YOU! Think about a time when you were job hunting and had to fill out a million applications. Can you remember how irritating it was to write the same information OVER and OVER and OVER again!? Name, address, education, employment history..Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history; Name, address, education, employment history. Now do you get my drift? 

Here's another thing that really gets my goat: people who have a nice expendable income assume that everyone else does, too. "Hey, let's go out to eat at that new sushi place" "No." "Hey, let's check out that Lady Gaga concert." "No." "Hey, let's go in on a hovercraft." "No." 

But mostly it's the questions about job status that drive me the most crazy. Here is a general rule- DO NOT ask me about it. Hearing the question "How's the job hunt going?" is worse than nails on a chalkboard. You have no idea how many times a week I get asked that. You might say "but I remember that you had a job interview last week, can't I ask you about that?" STOP RIGHT THERE. If something positive happens, I will tell you about it. I will make that promise. Just please come up with something else to ask me about. ANYTHING! 

Well, friends, hopefully that was informative for you. I do not condemn any of you for making these mistakes in the past, but if you make them from here on out YOU WILL be given an evil glare. 

Sky Mall 2

Even more exciting inventions!

Sky Mall

I just love having Sky Mall in front of me when I'm bored on a plane. So much good material!

If you can't read the monitor one, it says "You can put one in his office, the secretary your husband is sleeping with can put one in your home!"

Milk

I saw some vegan meme on Facebook that had a picture of a cow and said "humans are the only animals who drink another animal's milk. Uhhh humans are sort of the only animals who do a lot of things. Communicating through speech? Only humans. Watching tv? Only humans. Building a tv? Also only humans. Flying airplanes? Humans. Landing on the moon? Humans. Creating and developing technology as we know it? Squirrels.... oh wait, nope also only something that humans do.

Humans are the only animal who drinks another animals milk. Yeah, no crap. Can you imagine a cheetah bounding through the African Savannah catching up to this terrified antelope who believes she's on the brink of death and then all of a sudden it drops her down to the ground and then just starts suckling from her teet? Calm down biotch I'm just thirsty for some creamy goodness.